Hurt…replaced with healing.

Disillusion…replaced with moonbeams.

Indifference…replaced with love.

Discouragement…replaced with possibilities.

Confusion…replaced with freedom.

Anyway, still here, still single, it’s two years later, and I feel like I keep coming back to the same place. Maybe I’m learning and growing along the way, hopefully, but I’m not even sure anymore…and maybe that’s part of growing, when you’re not even sure anymore. I still love it though. All of it. God I love it so much.  

Everything feels so easy with him, like we’ve been doing it forever, and I forget what a big deal this is, to bring two families together, until my son was saying goodbye, he said it was really nice to meet him and his boys, and then it broke my heart a little for my son because it wasn’t “our” family on a weekend vacation, and it’s probably not the last “other” family he’ll have to meet.

A fence is also made of many pieces connected at their ending and beginning points.

Journal Entry This Day 2008 - Now I Will

• Notice how an everyday thing casts shadows that look like art.
• Notice the color of people’s eyes and how they change.
• Listen when people say what they like, and remember.
• Notice the sunset and how it reflects on the clouds and over buildings.
• Notice the fog and how it lays over the river and a bridge.
• Take the time to capture precious memories with a photo.
• Cherish prized possessions.
• Tune into the feelings of others, and give of mine unselfishly.
• Laugh abundantly and outrageously.
• See imperfections as character, individuality, and beauty, not defects.
• Listen to the music, and the words, and feel it. All kinds.

There was a moment while sitting in that chair I finally realized exactly why I was there. It was because up until that moment, I’d spent my entire life working on a plan. Suddenly I didn’t have one and it scared the crap out of me. Not only was I about to embark on a new journey without a plan, but I was about to do it by myself, both for the first time ever.

The realization itself brought some relief; at least I knew the root of my unsettled feelings. Rational plans always worked in the past and surely a solid set of new ones were all that was needed, which became even more frustrating when I started tripping over what they should be.

A new approach was needed. I’d spent all this time either running toward the future or mulling in the past. What I needed was to sit the fuck still and just look around…even as I write the words it makes me smile because what I finally found was peace and contentment.

We admire those who accomplish goals and take extreme pride in our own. In our culture, the results represent our strength, discipline, and resourcefulness. I’m not saying we should throw goals in the garbage and hop on a gypsy wagon, but I challenge you to consider maybe people who have learned how to truly live in this moment peacefully without a plan are possibly the strongest, smartest, and most courageous people of them all.

I hate when people say “You need a real man. Quit wasting your time with those boys.” I hate it even more when it’s said by a man who thinks HE’S what I need. It was a real man who said he’d never leave me or our baby. He’s the only real man I’ve ever known, and he was only 17 years old.

This is his handwriting.

Nothing makes me feel more alone and lonely than when my friends are a million miles away whenever they have a man in their life. 

I’m tired of being the counselor for friends all day every day over their fucked up relationships when all I really wanna do is slap the shit out of them.

I’m tired of being miss independent sassy pants.

I’m tired of seeing my ex lover every week and pretending I don’t still think about him every damn day three months later. Every. God. Damn. Day.

I’m tired of mismatches, misrepresentations, and wrong timing.

I’m tired of going to bed alone.

I’m just so so tired.

I used to drive this bridge everyday and use it as an analogy to where I was in my life at the time. I remember the exhausting effort it took to climb, finally reaching the top where I could at least see what was ahead of me, and the sense of relief that came with the downhill coast.

Here I am on the other side now and I no longer have to cross the bridge everyday. The only thing I miss is this view.

No regrets.

• I need you to be stronger than me, different than me, question me, and bring out the best in me.
• I need to smell testosterone – cologne, ink, woods, jeans, boots, sweat, dirt, and soap.
• I need to see truth and loyalty in your eyes and hard work in your hands, yet feel tenderness in your touch and affection in your words, and I need to crave your kiss.
• I need to know you’re willing to stand up and do the right thing for your beliefs. I need you to believe in something to feel that strongly about, and I need you to believe in me.
• I need time away to appreciate you, to remember how much I love being alone, to realize I love being with you more, and to finally admit that I love you.
• I also need books, the beach, caramel apples in fall, popcorn during movies, new pajamas for Christmas, colored pens, lip gloss, and my favorite blanket.   

My heart can’t be trusted when the memories still hurt, but I don’t want to forget, so I’m gonna wrap ‘em in a turquoise string and post ‘em on tumblr instead.